Coming home on breaks I seem to realize each time more and more that I'm meant to live the crazy adventurous stupidly busy life. I have a love hate relationship with it but it's definitely what I'm supposed to do.
But at the same time it's easy for me to hide behind being busy all the time because I don't have to think about things because I don't have time to. I think I just need to find the balance between being really busy and hiding from my own thoughts and when I do have time, over thinking and over analyzing everything. It's never been a good thing when I have too much free time to think and I'm not sure why.
I watched the movie P.S. I love you with Danielle tonight. I'd never seen it before...I don't cry in movies like ever, and I cried in this movie. When it was over I had this overwhelming urge to bawl my eyes out and I couldn't think of a reason why I needed to. Maybe it's just one of those things that builds up over time and then ever once in a while you just have to let out the flood waters.
I hate crying.
I've been having lots of urges to sit out somewhere in nature alone and play guitar and write and sing...but I haven't.
You'd think that after 9 months I would stop running away from it. Why am I still scared of my calling?
No matter how many times I tell God I'm done running and I believe and am going to start walking in faith that it's true, I always seem to go back to that...
What's my problem?
I want to believe I do, so badly. Why do I doubt? Why do I fear? Why can't I just take an anti doubt pill and just believe?
He's proven Himself to me so many times. He's shown me that He's going to prepare me. He's given me opportunities to practice and get comfortable. Yet I still doubt.
I don't want to be like Moses who argued with God about how he wasn't able to speak to the point that God got angry and said ok how about your brother. How lame is that? Why is it so hard to believe God sometimes? We know that He's able to do anything and everything He chooses. So why is it hard for us to trust Him when He says He will do something?
In Mexico after the wreck I stood there in the rain and starred out at the mountains in the distance thinking about why this all happened. Just then the rain stopped, the clouds started to pull back, and this rainbow appeared.
God had everything under control. He never promised us smooth sailing. There will be bumps in the road and you might go for a little roll but He's in complete control.
But we have to give up the wheel.
The tough times are when the best lessons are learned...
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