Determined

Well Christmas break is officially over and second semester is officially starting. I see this semester as a fresh start. A clean slate, new beginning. A chance to finish stronger than I started. I'm excited. I'm ready.

I'm determined for this last half of my second year in 24/7 to be different than the first. I'm determined to be different. I will be a better Core to my first year, I will be a better friend, I will be a better child to my Father, I will make the most of this season of my life, I will have a better attitude about things, I will be more confident. Call it a new years resolution...I call it the way I should have lived before.

Can I just flip a switch and believe please?

Ughhh...

Do you ever look at the way you're acting and get really frustrated at yourself?

Because you know something in your head but for some reason you don't really truly believe it...

why is that?

Why do we have such a hard time fully grasping certain things and believing them with our entire being?

We can know them to be true but it is just knowledge.

Knowing and believing are two very very different things.

So here's a question that has been haunting me for 9 months...

How do you make yourself believe?

You know in your head that something is true, and by this point you've realized that no matter how many times you tell yourself you believe you really don't believe it deep down...

So how do you make yourself believe?

You want to believe it's true with everything in you, but you just have zero faith in the promise.

There is no reason for you to doubt and you know this.

You serve a God who can do ANYTHING, and you know this.

So the fact that you doubt this promise is kind of a contradiction in what you believe about your God if you really think about it.

Because if you REALLY believed that your God can do anything there would be no doubt in your mind that this could happen right?

So why do you doubt?

...Why do I doubt?

If you're reading this and are totally confused and have no idea what I'm talking about, don't worry. These are just the ramblings of an over thinker.

Complete Transparency

I seem to be an insomniac now...I've been staying up till like 3 or 4 every night and for no other reason than I'm not really able to sleep. Too much on my mind...Too much time to think about what's on my mind...This is why I like to stay busy.

Coming home on breaks I seem to realize each time more and more that I'm meant to live the crazy adventurous stupidly busy life. I have a love hate relationship with it but it's definitely what I'm supposed to do.

But at the same time it's easy for me to hide behind being busy all the time because I don't have to think about things because I don't have time to. I think I just need to find the balance between being really busy and hiding from my own thoughts and when I do have time, over thinking and over analyzing everything. It's never been a good thing when I have too much free time to think and I'm not sure why.

I watched the movie P.S. I love you with Danielle tonight. I'd never seen it before...I don't cry in movies like ever, and I cried in this movie. When it was over I had this overwhelming urge to bawl my eyes out and I couldn't think of a reason why I needed to. Maybe it's just one of those things that builds up over time and then ever once in a while you just have to let out the flood waters.

I hate crying.

I've been having lots of urges to sit out somewhere in nature alone and play guitar and write and sing...but I haven't.

You'd think that after 9 months I would stop running away from it. Why am I still scared of my calling?

No matter how many times I tell God I'm done running and I believe and am going to start walking in faith that it's true, I always seem to go back to that...

What's my problem?

I want to believe I do, so badly. Why do I doubt? Why do I fear? Why can't I just take an anti doubt pill and just believe?

He's proven Himself to me so many times. He's shown me that He's going to prepare me. He's given me opportunities to practice and get comfortable. Yet I still doubt.

I don't want to be like Moses who argued with God about how he wasn't able to speak to the point that God got angry and said ok how about your brother. How lame is that? Why is it so hard to believe God sometimes? We know that He's able to do anything and everything He chooses. So why is it hard for us to trust Him when He says He will do something?

In Mexico after the wreck I stood there in the rain and starred out at the mountains in the distance thinking about why this all happened. Just then the rain stopped, the clouds started to pull back, and this rainbow appeared.

God had everything under control. He never promised us smooth sailing. There will be bumps in the road and you might go for a little roll but He's in complete control.

But we have to give up the wheel.

The tough times are when the best lessons are learned...

Finally have time and I’m unable to sleep.

The first day of Christmas break has past; only thirteen more to go. It’s been so long since I’ve journaled or blogged or done any real reflecting, I’m not completely sure why. It might just be that I got behind in Mexico and when I get behind in something I procrastinate even more because I know that it will take a long time to catch up. In the end I have to catch up even more because I put it off. In 24/7 if you put off journaling for more than two days it’s like your weeks behind.

I think that maybe part of the reason is that I’m scared to process and reflect on what has been going on in my life the last few weeks. The last week of Mexico was hard, I’m not gonna lie. It pushed me and challenged me and showed me some things in me that I didn’t really want to see. God has been doing things and revealing things in me and in my life that I don’t really want to think about. I think this is why I haven’t journaled in forever. I don’t want to sit and think through what is going on for too long because I don’t want to deal with it.

It’s so easy for me to just get by. I go into survival mode and I can just keep going, doing whatever needs to be done, and just get it done; coast. It’s easy, I don’t have to think about anything I just do and don’t have to think. In a lot of ways it’s easier than having lots of time to sit and think and process what’s going on in my life. I’m not sure why I’m so scared to process my life though...

That is the goal of this first week of break. To take the time to think through everything that I’ve been going through, everything God is doing in my life, everything that I’ve been pushing to the back of my mind. Going to face my thoughts and work through them. I’m excited and nervous at the same time. I know it’s going to be good though. Now I just have to get caught up on the journaling...wish me luck.

Feeling Inspired

Do you ever have those moments when you feel inspired in an artistic kind of way but you're not really sure what to do? It only seems to happen late at night.

So here I am, at two o'clock in the morning blogging for the first time since the summer.

Thanksgiving....

It's so crazy it's already here. I'm already back home for vacation. It seems like yesterday I was getting ready to move back to Conway and getting ready for another year of craziness. I was so unsure and scared of what was to come.

And here I am. Almost half way through.

So much has happened in the last year and a half it makes my head hurt just thinking about it.

And when I think about all that is in store in the future I get so excited and my mind goes crazy, I wish I was able to explain it...

What I can say is that the future for me is more than I or anyone could have ever thought or dreamed up. All I have to do is trust God and keep chasing my dreams.

Well I better get to bed. A big day is in store for the dynamic Mon and Zu duo. Maybe I'll post more later.

An epiphany inspired by Laurie Hinson

Thanks to the amazing Laurie Hinson I have discovered something about myself...I am a compulsive multi-tasker.

I hate doing one thing at a time, I feel like I'm wasting time and being too slow.

Which made me realize why I do a lot of the things that I do and why I hate doing certain things.

For example:

I txt while I drive, listen to music and usually talk while I work, watch tv txt and listen to music while I work out at the gym, have my lap top with me when watching movies, etc.

Then there are things I don't like to do because of this compulsive need.

Such as reading. I've never liked reading all that much. My mother used to pay me during the summer when I was younger, a penny a page for ever book I read so that I would actually do it. But I discovered that the reason I don't like reading is because I can't multi-task while I do it. Reading takes up all of my attention, if I try to think about anything else while I'm reading I will get to the end of the page and have no idea what I read. So my compulsive need to multi-task cannot be fulfilled while I'm reading and therefore I get frustrated and don't like to do it. I feel as though I've wasted the day when I sit in my room and read because I didn't accomplish anything but reading. Plus I'm such a slow reader it makes it even more frustrating.

There are exceptions to this in a few fiction books that I found very interesting and couldn't put down. (But those are very few cases.)

Well, now that I've put it off by writing this, I must go finish reading Driven by Eternity. It's a great book though so far, I highly recommend it whether you like reading or not.

The cons to babysitting at night...

I'm babysitting...
The kids are in bed, I'm on the couch with my lap top messing around with stuff...
The house is completely silent other than the fish tank to my left...

Then out of nowhere...


*Squeeeeeeaaaaal......POP!*

First thought in my head is that someone just broke in and is coming in the front door, but not wanting to freak myself out I sit and wait for minute....

*Fish tank noise*

*Crickets chirping*

*Air conditioner blowing*

I wait....

*POP! CRASH!!*

I freeze...my eyes start darting around the room, out the window, at the fish tank...

Nothing...

Trying not to freak out and let my imagination get the better of me I get back to my lap top.

*CRASH! BANG!*

I jump to my feet ready to find a weapon when the thought enters my mind that it could be kids next door shooting off fireworks....

Before my brain has a chance to process that thought and my heart has a chance to slow down I see out of the corner of my eye a person walking into the living room and my heart stops....

....It was the oldest kid asking about the fireworks outside


....That's what I get for all those times I watched When a Stranger Calls and other various scary movies...

This is why I will have a big dog in my house to guard against intruders and neighbors with fireworks....

Feel free to laugh at me, I know I have it coming...