The future can be scary or exciting...Or BOTH!

It's been almost a year since I wrote on here last...

So much has happened in one year.

I've been thinking about the future a lot. Which makes sense seeing as this chapter of my life is quickly coming to an end.

I've been thinking about where I could end up, what I could be doing, who I could be meeting. Some days I get excited thinking about it. Some days I'm so scared I could pee my pants.

I know God is going to do something big. But I also know that it won't be anything like what I think it will look like. He's already started opening doors I never thought or dreamed of going through.

It's humbling. Knowing that I can think of about 30 people off the top of my head that are more qualified and deserve more to do what I want to do and might get to do.

But the funny thing is that God likes to choose the least likely person to do something huge. That's what scares me. Because I know that I'm not qualified at all and it would have to be God.

It's just crazy enough to be His plan...

Someone once said, "the path to your greatest potential is often straight through your greatest fear."

God's ways are not our ways...

It's humbling...

Change happens

There is no growth without change; there is no change without fear or loss; and there is no loss without pain. Every change involves a loss of some kind: You must let go of old ways in order to experience the new. We fear these losses, even if our old ways were self-defeating, because, like a worn out pair of shoes, they were at least comfortable and familiar.

Adam Roth posted this as his status on facebook a while back and I saved it and just found it again tonight.

I am so not good at change.

But this makes sense to me why I don't like it. It's why growing up and going into new seasons of life is so hard for me. I'm not a fan of loss or pain or new things.

I will wear a pair of shoes until they disintegrate into nothing because they are comfortable and familiar and easier than finding a new pair and having to get used to them and make them work with my outfits.

I kind of feel like it's time to throw away all the old shoes and get new ones. Not just settling for the old shoes or even being barefoot because it's easier.

Can I just tell you about my crazy day?

So my day started at about 5:15 AM when I quickly got dressed, brushed my teeth and de-iced my car to be at the gym for a spin class. [6:00AM]

That lasted 1 hour. [7:00 AM]

Then biked 3 more hours after that. [10:00AM]

Then had to do 15s, which if you have never heard of them consider yourself lucky. I can honestly say I think I would rather jump out of a second story building than do them. (you feel about the same after both)

Then there were push ups and core.

Then the pool opened and it was time to swim. [11:00AM]

Done swimming and ready to shower up and get ready for the day. [12:00PM]

Took my time getting ready (I could barely move and didn't really have anywhere to be)

Left the gym for a little pick me up at Starbucks [1:15PM]

Had my first coffee in 22 days (it was the most amazing thing i've put in my mouth in a long time)

Called my mother cuz I missed her and wanted advice on whether to go to Wendy's or Sonic for lunch. (I call her for all major life decisions like that)

The decision was Sonic. Got food. It was amazing. [1:45PM]

Then I proceeded to run errands driving all over town that included: bike shopping, shirt shopping, leggings shopping, picking up my mountain bike from my ex homesponsor's house, and then looking for a place to do homework.

[5:15PM]

The Brewery is closed...

There is nowhere else to go so I decided to go home.

Get to the church and see people still in Little Life from closing up Little Life Academy. I get them to let me in. [5:30PM]

They all leave and I'm sitting in Kid Life all alone in the dark. [5:40PM]

Mrs Duvall pulls up by the Kid Life door and is slightly frightened (as anyone would be) when she opens the door and sees a person sitting on the floor in the darkness of an empty church.

I explain what I'm doing there in the shortest way possible and we small talk it up for a couple min and then I remember that there is a couch in the Kid Life room. Score!

I lay down with my Mac plugged in, background music playing, about to take a nap and in walks a person saying that they are about to have a meeting in this room....[6:05PM]

Covering my complete and utter distraught-ness I pack up my stuff and look for another room that is unlocked with a couch. [6:10PM]

To my delight the doors to the rest of the church have been unlocked and the living room is empty!

And here I am, on the couch in the living room. It's so comfortable and my legs have now lost all feeling. I might not be able to get up, not gonna lie.

Well that was my day. If you actually read all of that I feel sorry for you that you just wasted the last 5 min of your life and question whether or not you have one. (You should probably get out more)

Sorry if my sarcasm has offended you in any way. It's a day that requires sarcasm to keep the sanity. My day is not even over yet. On to Little Rock in an hour or so! More adventures to come I'm sure.

Peace. Thanks for listening.

Determined

Well Christmas break is officially over and second semester is officially starting. I see this semester as a fresh start. A clean slate, new beginning. A chance to finish stronger than I started. I'm excited. I'm ready.

I'm determined for this last half of my second year in 24/7 to be different than the first. I'm determined to be different. I will be a better Core to my first year, I will be a better friend, I will be a better child to my Father, I will make the most of this season of my life, I will have a better attitude about things, I will be more confident. Call it a new years resolution...I call it the way I should have lived before.

Can I just flip a switch and believe please?

Ughhh...

Do you ever look at the way you're acting and get really frustrated at yourself?

Because you know something in your head but for some reason you don't really truly believe it...

why is that?

Why do we have such a hard time fully grasping certain things and believing them with our entire being?

We can know them to be true but it is just knowledge.

Knowing and believing are two very very different things.

So here's a question that has been haunting me for 9 months...

How do you make yourself believe?

You know in your head that something is true, and by this point you've realized that no matter how many times you tell yourself you believe you really don't believe it deep down...

So how do you make yourself believe?

You want to believe it's true with everything in you, but you just have zero faith in the promise.

There is no reason for you to doubt and you know this.

You serve a God who can do ANYTHING, and you know this.

So the fact that you doubt this promise is kind of a contradiction in what you believe about your God if you really think about it.

Because if you REALLY believed that your God can do anything there would be no doubt in your mind that this could happen right?

So why do you doubt?

...Why do I doubt?

If you're reading this and are totally confused and have no idea what I'm talking about, don't worry. These are just the ramblings of an over thinker.

Complete Transparency

I seem to be an insomniac now...I've been staying up till like 3 or 4 every night and for no other reason than I'm not really able to sleep. Too much on my mind...Too much time to think about what's on my mind...This is why I like to stay busy.

Coming home on breaks I seem to realize each time more and more that I'm meant to live the crazy adventurous stupidly busy life. I have a love hate relationship with it but it's definitely what I'm supposed to do.

But at the same time it's easy for me to hide behind being busy all the time because I don't have to think about things because I don't have time to. I think I just need to find the balance between being really busy and hiding from my own thoughts and when I do have time, over thinking and over analyzing everything. It's never been a good thing when I have too much free time to think and I'm not sure why.

I watched the movie P.S. I love you with Danielle tonight. I'd never seen it before...I don't cry in movies like ever, and I cried in this movie. When it was over I had this overwhelming urge to bawl my eyes out and I couldn't think of a reason why I needed to. Maybe it's just one of those things that builds up over time and then ever once in a while you just have to let out the flood waters.

I hate crying.

I've been having lots of urges to sit out somewhere in nature alone and play guitar and write and sing...but I haven't.

You'd think that after 9 months I would stop running away from it. Why am I still scared of my calling?

No matter how many times I tell God I'm done running and I believe and am going to start walking in faith that it's true, I always seem to go back to that...

What's my problem?

I want to believe I do, so badly. Why do I doubt? Why do I fear? Why can't I just take an anti doubt pill and just believe?

He's proven Himself to me so many times. He's shown me that He's going to prepare me. He's given me opportunities to practice and get comfortable. Yet I still doubt.

I don't want to be like Moses who argued with God about how he wasn't able to speak to the point that God got angry and said ok how about your brother. How lame is that? Why is it so hard to believe God sometimes? We know that He's able to do anything and everything He chooses. So why is it hard for us to trust Him when He says He will do something?

In Mexico after the wreck I stood there in the rain and starred out at the mountains in the distance thinking about why this all happened. Just then the rain stopped, the clouds started to pull back, and this rainbow appeared.

God had everything under control. He never promised us smooth sailing. There will be bumps in the road and you might go for a little roll but He's in complete control.

But we have to give up the wheel.

The tough times are when the best lessons are learned...

Finally have time and I’m unable to sleep.

The first day of Christmas break has past; only thirteen more to go. It’s been so long since I’ve journaled or blogged or done any real reflecting, I’m not completely sure why. It might just be that I got behind in Mexico and when I get behind in something I procrastinate even more because I know that it will take a long time to catch up. In the end I have to catch up even more because I put it off. In 24/7 if you put off journaling for more than two days it’s like your weeks behind.

I think that maybe part of the reason is that I’m scared to process and reflect on what has been going on in my life the last few weeks. The last week of Mexico was hard, I’m not gonna lie. It pushed me and challenged me and showed me some things in me that I didn’t really want to see. God has been doing things and revealing things in me and in my life that I don’t really want to think about. I think this is why I haven’t journaled in forever. I don’t want to sit and think through what is going on for too long because I don’t want to deal with it.

It’s so easy for me to just get by. I go into survival mode and I can just keep going, doing whatever needs to be done, and just get it done; coast. It’s easy, I don’t have to think about anything I just do and don’t have to think. In a lot of ways it’s easier than having lots of time to sit and think and process what’s going on in my life. I’m not sure why I’m so scared to process my life though...

That is the goal of this first week of break. To take the time to think through everything that I’ve been going through, everything God is doing in my life, everything that I’ve been pushing to the back of my mind. Going to face my thoughts and work through them. I’m excited and nervous at the same time. I know it’s going to be good though. Now I just have to get caught up on the journaling...wish me luck.