Complete Transparency

I seem to be an insomniac now...I've been staying up till like 3 or 4 every night and for no other reason than I'm not really able to sleep. Too much on my mind...Too much time to think about what's on my mind...This is why I like to stay busy.

Coming home on breaks I seem to realize each time more and more that I'm meant to live the crazy adventurous stupidly busy life. I have a love hate relationship with it but it's definitely what I'm supposed to do.

But at the same time it's easy for me to hide behind being busy all the time because I don't have to think about things because I don't have time to. I think I just need to find the balance between being really busy and hiding from my own thoughts and when I do have time, over thinking and over analyzing everything. It's never been a good thing when I have too much free time to think and I'm not sure why.

I watched the movie P.S. I love you with Danielle tonight. I'd never seen it before...I don't cry in movies like ever, and I cried in this movie. When it was over I had this overwhelming urge to bawl my eyes out and I couldn't think of a reason why I needed to. Maybe it's just one of those things that builds up over time and then ever once in a while you just have to let out the flood waters.

I hate crying.

I've been having lots of urges to sit out somewhere in nature alone and play guitar and write and sing...but I haven't.

You'd think that after 9 months I would stop running away from it. Why am I still scared of my calling?

No matter how many times I tell God I'm done running and I believe and am going to start walking in faith that it's true, I always seem to go back to that...

What's my problem?

I want to believe I do, so badly. Why do I doubt? Why do I fear? Why can't I just take an anti doubt pill and just believe?

He's proven Himself to me so many times. He's shown me that He's going to prepare me. He's given me opportunities to practice and get comfortable. Yet I still doubt.

I don't want to be like Moses who argued with God about how he wasn't able to speak to the point that God got angry and said ok how about your brother. How lame is that? Why is it so hard to believe God sometimes? We know that He's able to do anything and everything He chooses. So why is it hard for us to trust Him when He says He will do something?

In Mexico after the wreck I stood there in the rain and starred out at the mountains in the distance thinking about why this all happened. Just then the rain stopped, the clouds started to pull back, and this rainbow appeared.

God had everything under control. He never promised us smooth sailing. There will be bumps in the road and you might go for a little roll but He's in complete control.

But we have to give up the wheel.

The tough times are when the best lessons are learned...

Finally have time and I’m unable to sleep.

The first day of Christmas break has past; only thirteen more to go. It’s been so long since I’ve journaled or blogged or done any real reflecting, I’m not completely sure why. It might just be that I got behind in Mexico and when I get behind in something I procrastinate even more because I know that it will take a long time to catch up. In the end I have to catch up even more because I put it off. In 24/7 if you put off journaling for more than two days it’s like your weeks behind.

I think that maybe part of the reason is that I’m scared to process and reflect on what has been going on in my life the last few weeks. The last week of Mexico was hard, I’m not gonna lie. It pushed me and challenged me and showed me some things in me that I didn’t really want to see. God has been doing things and revealing things in me and in my life that I don’t really want to think about. I think this is why I haven’t journaled in forever. I don’t want to sit and think through what is going on for too long because I don’t want to deal with it.

It’s so easy for me to just get by. I go into survival mode and I can just keep going, doing whatever needs to be done, and just get it done; coast. It’s easy, I don’t have to think about anything I just do and don’t have to think. In a lot of ways it’s easier than having lots of time to sit and think and process what’s going on in my life. I’m not sure why I’m so scared to process my life though...

That is the goal of this first week of break. To take the time to think through everything that I’ve been going through, everything God is doing in my life, everything that I’ve been pushing to the back of my mind. Going to face my thoughts and work through them. I’m excited and nervous at the same time. I know it’s going to be good though. Now I just have to get caught up on the journaling...wish me luck.