Rise and Shine

So babysitting last night went really well. The kids were awake for about an hour and a half and then went to bed *poor things* so from 7 30 to 11 30 when their parents got home I myspaced and blogged and read a book and watched friends and hannah montana and got paid 60 bucks. And these people wanna use me once a week and have more rich friends that want me too. God is good. I might make it through this summer without blowing all my graduation money afterall.

I totally wish I lived in a house where you could go out and sit on the roof. I've always wanted to do that. I've tried in my house but the roof is too steep and I almost fell off *ya not a good thing* But someday before I die I'm going to live in a house where you can climb out on the roof and play guitar and pray and that be my place that no one else could go to.

So for now I will just have to live with my bean bag guitar chair.

Peace

I should have brought a guitar...

So I'm babysitting and these poor kids went to bed at 7 30...I got here at 6, the parents won't be back for at least another 2 hours...I'm so bored I'm tempted to wake the kids up and make them play with me. At least I managed to find food. I was getting worried there for a little while but I made myself a scrumptious peanut butter and jelly sand which.

Did you know that sand which is two words not one?? I always thought it was one word but the spell check on here said its two words not one. I feel like I've been living a lie my whole life I never knew it wasnt one word....

I was just overcome with the desire to play my guitar and being the smart person that I am didn't think to bring one. Good job zuzu...

Well I am getting tired of myspace and defensive driving so I think I will go watch hannah montana and try to stay awake because I'm just cool like that.

Hunger...It's consuming me...

I feel like I'm withering away into nothingness. I'm so hungry my stomach is eating itself!! Not really but I felt like being dramatic. So this whole diet thing is getting old, I miss food. But I did weigh today and I've lost 3 pounds *snaps for zuzu* Oh and Brittany lost 5 pounds! *snaps for brittany* My one light in this darkness that is dieting is these amazing weight watchers ice cream bars that are simply divine. Like I would eat these even if I wasn't on a diet they are so good and they are only....1 point!! praise Jesus there is hope! I just might make it through this alive!

I have decided that I am going to come up with a line of food that is cheap, healthy, and tastes good and takes away the hunger. Because seriously pretty much the way it is is if it tastes good and is cheap and filling then its gonna make you fat...What is wrong with this world?!?! I need to have a talk with whoever is in charge of that cuz he needs to make some changes.

Ok so I'm taking defensive driving online and the little chapter quiz questions crack me up

Determine a safe speed to travel based on __________.
the volume level of your music
road conditions, traffic density, how far you can see ahead
how late you are for an appointment
the fastest speed your vehicle can go


Hmm I can't decide between the volume level of my music and the fastest my car can go...Seriously I wanna know who gets that question wrong. Who is really that dumb??


Well I am going to sleep...It's my new theory during this diet thing where if you just go to sleep the hunger will go away. So I'm going to go test my theory. Good night all.

Feeling better today

So today started off like pretty much any other day, except I slept in really late cuz I was up late fighting off the effects of meds I was on but that is another story. Anyway normal day, I get to youth and we were worshipping and after the two fast songs were over and everyone had stopped jumping and dancing and being crazy for Jesus my stomach started hurting really bad and I felt like I was about to throw up. And I'm standing there thinking "no I can't go throw up I wanna worship God I don't wanna miss anything" So I ignored it and it got worse and worse and I seriously felt like any second I was gonna, pardon the graphic term but, blow chunks. So I dropped to my knees and said no I'm here to worship God and I pressed in and praised and worshipped and thanked God and just sat in His presense and pretty soon I realized, hey my stomach feels fine, I don't feel like I need to throw up anymore. And I sat there and I felt God say, "See, all you have to do is worship me and keep your focus on me and I will take care of everything."

So after that and then going out to eat with some friends and talking about Jesus I'm totally pumped and its awesome. I'm happy that I'm back to being pumped about Jesus again.

Right now I rebuke Satan and his crap he keeps bringing back into my head. I AM NOT FAT!!! I AM NOT UGLY!! AND I AM NOT A DEPRESSED LONELY CUTTER!!!! I will never go back to that Satan!!! You know why, because Jesus died for me so that I can go to Him with my problems and YOU HAVE NO HOLD ON ME!! I AM NOT THE SAME!!!! I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN!!! SO BEAT IT DEVIL!!! I'M SO OVER YOU!

Dude Jesus is awesome...

Just venting...Feel free to disreguard...

Do you ever have those moments where you wonder if you really are good at anything?

Or if you're even an interesting person that people actually want to be around?

Where you just sit there and look at your life and yourself and just kinda of reflect and then wonder how you even have any friends at all?

I've been reflecting lately and I don't like what I see. Because to be perfectly honest I see a spoiled immature sarcastic brat of an 18 yr old that can't get along with her parents, that isn't an interesting entertaining person, that can't make decisions and when she tries they always end up being the wrong ones, that is just not a very nice, fun, friendly, outgoing person. I don't want to be like my parents, but I see more and more of them in me everyday and I hate it, I don't want to be like them. And I don't want to be that kind of parent, I don't want my kids to resent me like that...Most of this is probably just me being hard on myself and having a low self esteem moment, but sometimes I seriously wonder why my friends even like me, or if they just keep me around cuz they feel sorry for me...I havent had those thoughts in a long time and it kind of scares me...And then I feel stupid for even thinking them...I thought I was done with this...

I'm starting to second guess myself about my decision to go to colorado...I was so sure that's what God wanted me to do...But the more I think about it the more I think that I'm wrong for thinking that I could do that...It's a worship leader training school...worship leaders sing...I can't sing...and what am I expecting to do after I go thru the school? I'm sure not gonna go lead worship at some church. Won't that be waisting money if I go to a school that teaches me something I'm not even going to use as a career? Am I just wanting to go because it's the easiest way to get out of my house?

I really thought I was over this stupid self pity I'm not good enough thinking...Why does it keep coming back? Jesus why does it keep coming back? I thought it was gone...I want to like the person that I am...I want to take a complete 360 and start over with everything and change completely but I don't even know where to start...